Archive for February, 2011

Apologies weren’t asked, and pardons weren’t given.

Last Valentine’s Day, I went on a retreat with my previous block, knowing that it would be the last retreat that I would ever have with them. Despite being an education student, we did not discuss any of our differences and I felt that I was still a psychology student.

 

All throughout the retreat, I kept quiet and not initiating anything that would be considered memorable to my block. All I wanted was to enjoy the time I spent. I want to see them all act naturally, and enjoy seeing the pleasant smiles that my previous classmates all had before any of the troubles occurred. I just wanted a good memory to forever bring with me.

 

Compared to all the retreats that I have experienced, I can surely say that this was the most boring one I have ever experienced. I did not like the idea that it wasn’t a priest who facilitated the retreat, nor anyone with the sacrament of holy orders went even near us. I wanted the guilt to return to me, to realize that holding a grudge is not healthy for the soul and conscience. But it never happened. I had to do it all by myself, but the process wasn’t easy. In the end, I did not feel changed or enlightened.

 

But instead of thinking about the “seminar” that happened during the supposed retreat, what I strongly remember is the “open forum” that my not-yet-healed-and-moved-on friend requested from the facilitator. I, together with my other friend, strongly went against it. But since my friend, who was also removed from psychology and charged with the same sanction as I did, wanted to know the “truth” from the person, and reasoning to us that it would silence her conscience of she did it, we allowed her to do so, but we were not involving ourselves with her troubles since we have had enough.

 

What my mother said about believing in your instincts was true: the open forum didn’t go well, and it opened more wounds than closing it. My friend wanted the truth, but all she and I and the rest of the block heard a different story. Not one was close from what we know, and not one of it was similar to what the offender said to her best friend. It led to more confusion, and more questions. The forum led to more doubt and more tears. In the end, nothing was resolved. Apologies weren’t asked, and pardons weren’t given.

I even thought that I received the kiss of death – or betrayal, whatever suits the feeling felt. It wasn’t even sincere. She said she was just bored that’s why she did it.

 

I couldn’t say anything or maybe, I refused to say anything. I swore to God and to my parents that I would shrug off anything related to this after doing my sanction. It’s a brand new chapter for me, but it was tainted with the issue again. I longed for the truth, but I know that with such biased and corrupted minds, I would never be able to see it. I would just have to leave it to God, and let Him do whatever is due to them. I cannot have any more fingers pointing to me and my friends and blaming us for everything.

 

What sucks is the fact that just when we thought of never speaking about the issue ever, the following day, we found out that the squealer squealed once again. She just couldn’t keep her mouth shut. But thanks to her big mouth, I learned part of the truth. And now, I’m angry. And frustrated. And about to explode. What people said were right: “can you handle the truth?” I couldn’t. I wanted to strangle that thing. I wanted that thing to trip on her way down the stairs and would land headfirst with her mouth wounded. I wanted to go to her and poke her in the eye for clearing her name and for asking for protection. But I stopped myself. I knew that God is here beside me, and like what one character from my favourite manga said:

 

“I’m going insane with anger but somehow I can maintain my sanity.. Maybe it’s because of you.. It’s because you’re beside me. If I were alone, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.”

 

Suring Basa: Bituin at ang Malaking Baha ni Ceres Doy

“Maraming nakita si Bituin na lumulutang sa tubig. Plastic bag, sanga ng kahoy, dahon, tabla. May mga bangko at plastic na upuan. Nadaanin rin nila ang ilang kotse at tricycle na lumunulubog na sa tubig.”

Taong 2009 noong naranasan ng Metro Manila ang isa sa pinakamalalang bagyo sa kasaysayan, ang bagyong Ondoy. Pagkalipas ng sirain ni Ondoy ang mga tirahang ating tinirahan, akala ng marami na tapos na ang paghihirap. Subalit pagkatapos ng ilang linggo, binalita ng PAG-ASA na may darating na susunod na bagyo, si Pepeng, na may dala-dalang malakas na hangin na walang katulad.

 

Maraming Filipino ang nagdusa sa hagupit ng kalikasan, at maraming Filipino ang natauhan ukol sa nagbabagong klima at mga isyung kalikasan. Dahil sa trauma na ito, naisipan ni Ma. Ceres Doyo na magsulat ng isang kuwento ukol sa pangyayaring ito. Pinamagatan niya ito na Si Bituin at ang Malaking Baha, habang ito ay idinisenyo ni Jess Abrera. Pinangungunahan ang kuwento ni Bituin, isang batang babae at ang kanyang pamilya at ka-barangay.

 

Nag-umpisa ang maikling kuwento kay Bituin at mga kaibigan na naglalaro sa tapat ng bahay ng mapansin nila na nag-umpisa na ang pag-ulan. Pinapasok na siya ng kanyang magulang para hindi na mabasa ng ulan, pero noong napansin ng magulang ni Bituin na lumalakas na ang ulan, at sinabi sa radio na lalakas pa ang ulan, napag-isipan na nila na pumunta na sa evacuation center. Habang papuntang evacuation center, doon na napansin ni Bituin ang epekto ng pagpapabaya sa kalikasan. Pagdating sa evacuatioin center, doon din naranasan ni Bituin ang hirap ng pagtitira sa isang evacuation center. Pagkatapos ng ulan, nakabalik na si Bituin at ang kanyang pamilya sa kanilang bahay at naging malungkot dahil sa landslide na naganap at masaya dahil siya at ang pamilya niya ay ligtas mula sa kapahamakan.

 

Ang maikling kuwento ni Ceres Doyo ay nagpapakita ng tunggalian sa pagitan ng tao at kalikasan, na kung saan, habang patuloy ang bagsik ng ulan at hangin ay pilit na lumalaban ang katauhan na mabuhay at makaligtas mula sa peligro. Nakikita rin ang tunggalian na tao laban sa sarili na kung saan, pagkakita ng mga tao ang epekto ng kanilang kapapabayaan sa kalikasan, napag-usapan ng buong barangay na kailangan may gawin na sila ukol sa pagpuputol ng mga puno at sa pagbabago ng kanilang ugali ukol sa kalikasan. Ang eksena na nagpapakita ng realisasyon ukol sa pagbabagong buhay sa pagtulong sa kaligtasan ay nagmula noong naranasan na ng mga tao ang paglikas mula sa kanilang mga kabahayan at pagpunta sa isang mataas at ligtas na lugar. Habang nasa evacuation center, doon na rin nakita ang kakalasan ng mga kasama ni Bituin na magbagong buhay na at alagaan ang kalikasan.

 

Noong nalaman ko na ini-alay ng manunulat ang kanyang kuwento sa mga bata na naranasan ang bagyong Ondoy at Pepeng, naalala ko bigla ang aking karanasan noong bagyong iyon. Maski na hindi ko nakita ang napakaraming basura na lumulutang sa tubig, nakita at naranasan ko ang dami ng dumi na nasa mga estero. Isa ako sa mga napilitang matulog sa paaralan dahil sa bagyong Ondoy, at nagpapasalamat naman ako na kahit papaano, ligtas kami at naalagaan ng paaralan. Habang iniintay naming magkakaibigan ang paglipas ng baha, doon namin napansin na tumapang kami, at pinilit na huwag mag-panic. Doon ko rin naranasan na umaabot din sa punto na nagkakanya-kanya na ang mga tao para lamang mailigtas nila ang sarili nila, at kung kailan alam na nila na ligtas na sila, doon lamang sila tutulong sa ibang tao. Para naman sa lipunan, na sigurado ako nakaranas ng mas malupit na pangyayari kumpara sa naranasan ko at ng mga kaklase ko, tiyak ako na natutunan na nila ang epekto ng pagpapabaya sa kalikasan. Subalit, ako ngayon ay nagtataka kung hanggang kailan lamang ba nila maaalala ang mga paghihirap na naranasan nila noong panahon na iyon?

 

committing murder.

have you ever been so angry that you wanted to murder the nearest living thing over and over again? I did. and I am still feeling it now.

 

God really made handling your anger difficult for a Christian. If it only wasn’t a sin to murder, I swear that I would have done it. And if I have the power to go back through time, I would murder that person over and over again, each with a different method of killing. Oh yes, that is how angry I am. I abhor them. They have already ruined my life, and they are still ruining my life. When the eff will they just stop?

 

If only I wouldn’t be burning in the depth of hell, then I would have pushed them. Or tripped. Or bullied. Or made fun of. Or cut their hair. Or better.. shave their hair off – ALL  FROM HEAD TO TOE. I may be cursed from all this negative thoughts in my head (because according to Jesus, even thinking the most negative deed is also sinful), but i don’t care. I need somewhere to vent out my anger, and yes. I do not mind if this goes all out on the internet. At least there will be some people who’ll know how I am feeling right now) and probably forever.

 

As stated above, I can’t do anything but think about such thoughts. Or maybe I could tell them to never talk to me again, but then again, they already know how I feel about them.

 

Sheesh. I’m boiling. How the hell can you control your anger? How the hell can you continue to smile, and not be swallowed whole by the hurt, humiliation, betrayal and frustration? Plus, WHAT REALLY IS THE TRUTH?

 

I have been called a role model and someone who has a strong personality. But now, at my most vulnerable state, how can I continue to be a role model? How can I continue to have a strong personality? HOW SHOULD I BEHAVE MYSELF?

 

But then here goes the question: Should I mind on how I behave or should I just do what I think would make me feel better? Where do I draw the line? How should I act? How will I know if my decision is for the better? How can I not regret my decision?

 

Will searching for the truth hurt me more? If yes (and I believe that it is so), then how can I endure it all? How can I still stand firm?

 

Will my quest for truth drag more people down? If yes, then I abhor how the world is now functioning: I hate the corruption. I hate the injustice. I hate the hypocrisy. I hate the lies.

 

Despite my thirst for the truth, all I can do is to turn the other cheek. All the emotion fills me up inside and tears me apart. It hurts so much that ignoring seems to be the best way to not feel everything. Acting like everything is fine when it really is not is all that I can do. And I feel so weak. All I can do is shrug off everything that comes my way because I know that I am going against someone with position, someone who has a tight grip on the balls of justice.

 

I need my revenge now. I need it so badly that I am reaching a point where I won’t mind if I spend longer time in purgatory for such revenge. I am being forced into a corner where I no longer have no control over my senses, over reason. I’m nearing my limit, and if I learn more about the corruption, I just know that I’ll turn desperate and do something uncalled for.

 

How can I have my revenge without being called a monster?

“Regret” by Mai Hoshimura

I just realized that I still love this particular person, after weeks of separating with him. Now, I have this struggle within me that pushes me to decide on what kind of life I would live with him, since I chose that I would still stay by his side as a friend (and nothing more). My mind and heart gave me two options: to continue loving him, but would keep it hidden; OR suppress the emotional attachment into something suitable for being friends, and just stay friends forevermore.

 

I have to admit choosing tortures me. But last monday (yes, valentines day), i have decided to suppress what I feel and just be friends. Just when things started to brigthen up.. I heard this song, and it made me realize that I am not the only one who feels so.. hurt and confused after being left behind. I was able to relate, and I was really glad that I there is someone out there who feels that same way that I am. Truly, misery loves company.

 

Kanji

窓の外の景色 移り変わって
季節までがあたしを置いてく
誰より近くにいて 不安の種に
どうしてあのとき気づけなかった?
あなたの姿が見えなくなる前に
たったのたった一言
「行かないで」が言えなかった

あなたが幸せならそれで
いいなんて絶対に言えない
ねじ曲がったこんな心が
どうしようもないくらいあたしは嫌い

誕生日にもらった イニシャルリング
思い出せば辛いだけなのに
今更分かったのは 思う以上に
あなたを必要としてたこと
二人で築いた時間さえ壊すように
心と裏腹に出てきた言葉
味気ないサヨナラ

あなたがすごく後悔する
そんな日が来ること望んでる
意地悪で醜い心が
昨日よりももっとあたしは嫌い

あなたが幸せならそれで
いいなんて絶対に言えない
ねじ曲がったこんな心が
どうしようもないくらいあたしは嫌い

あなたがすごく後悔する
そんな日が来ること望んでる
意地悪で醜い心が
昨日よりももっとあたしは嫌い

Romanji

mado no soto no keshiki utsurikawatte
kisetsu made ga atashi wo oiteku
dare yori chikaku ni ite fuan no tane ni
doushite ano toki kizukenakatta?

anata no sugata ga mienaku naru mae ni
tatta no tatta hitokoto “ikanaide” ga ienakatta

anata ga shiawase nara sore de ii nante zettai ni ienai
nejimagatta konna kokoro ga doushiyoumonai kurai atashi wa kirai

tanjoubi ni moratta inisharu ringu
omoidaseba tsurai dake na no ni
imasara wakatta no wa omou ijou ni
anata wo hitsuyou toshiteta koto

futari de kizuita jikan sae kowasu youni
kokoro to urahara ni dete kita kotoba ajikeenai sayonara

anata ga sugoku koukai suru sonna hi ga kuru koto nozonderu
ijiwaru de minikui kokoro ga kinou yori mo motto atashi wa kirai

anata ga shiawase nara sore de ii nante zettai ni ienai
nejimagatta konna kokoro ga doushiyoumonai kurai atashi wa kirai
anata ga sugoku koukai suru sonna hi ga kuru koto nozonderu
ijiwaru de minikui kokoro ga kinou yori mo motto atashi wa kirai

English

The scenery outside the window changes
Even the season leaves me behind
Being closer than anyone, why didn’t I realize
That seed of worries at that time?

Before I’m unable to see your figure
I couldn’t say just that, just that one phrase of “don’t go”

I can never say that it’s fine as long as you’re happy
I can’t help but to hate this twisted heart

The initial ring I received on my birthday
Remembering only makes me painful but
What I finally realized is that I relied
On you more than I thought

As if to even destroy the times spent together
The words that came out contrary to my heart was a good-bye in vain

I’m wishing that a day when you’ll greatly regret will come
I hate this mean and ugly heart more than yesterday

I can never say that it’s fine as long as you’re happy
I can’t help but to hate this twisted heart
I’m wishing that a day when you’ll greatly regret will come
I hate this mean and ugly heart more than yesterday