Posts Tagged ‘ God ’

Merry Christmas!

I guess this will be my first Christmas post.

Christmas is less than 3 days away, and after 21 years of experiencing Christmas, I’m still not used to it. Although there are times when I just think Christmas is starting to get overrated and commercialized; but still, it’s still fun. 🙂

So anyway, I just wanted to post this video. I didn’t make it, but it’s one way to remind yourself that it’s Christmas and that you should remember to consider your blessing and the shiny things that you have experienced in life than focusing on the bad and unshiny stuff that happened. 🙂

 

A Merry 2012 Christmas to you! 🙂

 

Apologies weren’t asked, and pardons weren’t given.

Last Valentine’s Day, I went on a retreat with my previous block, knowing that it would be the last retreat that I would ever have with them. Despite being an education student, we did not discuss any of our differences and I felt that I was still a psychology student.

 

All throughout the retreat, I kept quiet and not initiating anything that would be considered memorable to my block. All I wanted was to enjoy the time I spent. I want to see them all act naturally, and enjoy seeing the pleasant smiles that my previous classmates all had before any of the troubles occurred. I just wanted a good memory to forever bring with me.

 

Compared to all the retreats that I have experienced, I can surely say that this was the most boring one I have ever experienced. I did not like the idea that it wasn’t a priest who facilitated the retreat, nor anyone with the sacrament of holy orders went even near us. I wanted the guilt to return to me, to realize that holding a grudge is not healthy for the soul and conscience. But it never happened. I had to do it all by myself, but the process wasn’t easy. In the end, I did not feel changed or enlightened.

 

But instead of thinking about the “seminar” that happened during the supposed retreat, what I strongly remember is the “open forum” that my not-yet-healed-and-moved-on friend requested from the facilitator. I, together with my other friend, strongly went against it. But since my friend, who was also removed from psychology and charged with the same sanction as I did, wanted to know the “truth” from the person, and reasoning to us that it would silence her conscience of she did it, we allowed her to do so, but we were not involving ourselves with her troubles since we have had enough.

 

What my mother said about believing in your instincts was true: the open forum didn’t go well, and it opened more wounds than closing it. My friend wanted the truth, but all she and I and the rest of the block heard a different story. Not one was close from what we know, and not one of it was similar to what the offender said to her best friend. It led to more confusion, and more questions. The forum led to more doubt and more tears. In the end, nothing was resolved. Apologies weren’t asked, and pardons weren’t given.

I even thought that I received the kiss of death – or betrayal, whatever suits the feeling felt. It wasn’t even sincere. She said she was just bored that’s why she did it.

 

I couldn’t say anything or maybe, I refused to say anything. I swore to God and to my parents that I would shrug off anything related to this after doing my sanction. It’s a brand new chapter for me, but it was tainted with the issue again. I longed for the truth, but I know that with such biased and corrupted minds, I would never be able to see it. I would just have to leave it to God, and let Him do whatever is due to them. I cannot have any more fingers pointing to me and my friends and blaming us for everything.

 

What sucks is the fact that just when we thought of never speaking about the issue ever, the following day, we found out that the squealer squealed once again. She just couldn’t keep her mouth shut. But thanks to her big mouth, I learned part of the truth. And now, I’m angry. And frustrated. And about to explode. What people said were right: “can you handle the truth?” I couldn’t. I wanted to strangle that thing. I wanted that thing to trip on her way down the stairs and would land headfirst with her mouth wounded. I wanted to go to her and poke her in the eye for clearing her name and for asking for protection. But I stopped myself. I knew that God is here beside me, and like what one character from my favourite manga said:

 

“I’m going insane with anger but somehow I can maintain my sanity.. Maybe it’s because of you.. It’s because you’re beside me. If I were alone, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.”