Posts Tagged ‘ Me ’

Merry Christmas!

I guess this will be my first Christmas post.

Christmas is less than 3 days away, and after 21 years of experiencing Christmas, I’m still not used to it. Although there are times when I just think Christmas is starting to get overrated and commercialized; but still, it’s still fun. 🙂

So anyway, I just wanted to post this video. I didn’t make it, but it’s one way to remind yourself that it’s Christmas and that you should remember to consider your blessing and the shiny things that you have experienced in life than focusing on the bad and unshiny stuff that happened. 🙂

 

A Merry 2012 Christmas to you! 🙂

 

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PT blog 02

December 7, 2012 Friday

*SICK*

 Every single time that I add something slightly stressful in my “stuff-I-need-and-should-do-NOW” list, I always start with tons of energy (“I can do this!”) and excitement (“I’m ready to go!”), then anxiety (“Can I maintain this pace?”), then realization 01 “Hey, I’m sort of tired”

 

then “Gee, I’m really tired”

 

then “Hey, my lower back’s hurting”

 

then “Isn’t it cold?”

 

then “The food needs more salt”

 

then “It’s really co-co-a-choooooo!”

 

the FLU life cycle strikes again.

 

I was not able to attend my OJT today because I was already feverish, and I knew better that I should stay away from the children, but I still went to school to drop off a task given to me by Teacher Ina.

sulking.

i just found out that the man whom i think is the one for me, loves another girl. he even boldly asked her out for a meal!

 

funny thing is, my man and i have never met.. nor will even understand each other if ever the miraculous meeting ever arrived. the moment i heard about the news, i shed tears like i was being cheated on.

 

is this considered normal?

this pretty much captures what i feel inside.

new theme, new me(?)

it has been some time since i actually posted something about myself.

there were some bumps on my road in the past few months, and i just prefer to keep it to myself at first, but then decided to just open myself up just to release the tension that i feel tingling deep within my bones and spinal cord.

my pet dog just died, and he was only with me for a month and a few days. but those few weeks were one of the best: i finally got rid of a thorn on my side, and i just re-experienced how to love once again.

i deeply regret meeting him and i am sure that i would have survived even if we have never met. but he taught me a very valuable lesson: never entertain a man who immediately opens himself up to you. usually, men like that would make themselves look so pitiful and would use that as a weapon in capturing women’s hearts. i take back wanting to be his friend once again, and it shows by my unfriending him the other day. he WAS a good friend, but only so. i do not want him to know my secrets nor do i want him telling me what he prefers me to wear.

what i will regret, though, is the idea of never talking once again to his best friend. yes, i am being vocal about my attraction to his best friend. dare i say it to my thorn and to his best friend? i  long to, but the dears of my life tell me not to, for i am only going to make matters more difficult. however, how can i just close the lid to everything that has happened, especially when this involves MY feelings? i guess it is true that giving advice is better than doing them. i know the dears of my life are just concerned about my safety and security (for my thorn has tendencies of being violent), but i will confess what i feel to his best friend, not expecting anything in return. if you’re reading this, then, yeah, i like you.

Being an optimist can be TOO TIRING.

just as the title says, I just realized some bad news about being optimistic. As you listen to Paramore’s For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic, I’ll explain some realizations that I just realized a few hours ago (oh, the redundancy!).

BOO BOO

First of all, these are NOT FACTS. they are just pure… for the lack of a better word, realizations. I’m feeling pretty down and negative at the moment, so I’m just full of negative thoughts right now.

To start it off, let me tell you about myself. For a few years, I have always been little miss optimistic. I prefer it that way because there’s less stress, and stress is my number one enemy. being optimistic opens your mind to new challenges and the thought of it just thrills me. People look up to me as a source of strength and for some reason, for decent advice about anything (usually about love and fashion). Plus, being optimistic has a lot of health benefits: your immune system’s better, you look younger and many more.

However, what makes being an optimist tiring is the fact that once your reputation as one is already established at being such, there’s this pressure that you have to be always like that. Most people expect you to always be at your best and that you’re always happy.

For the past few months, I have been just forcing myself to be happy. At school, I laugh or smile when I feel like it. But most of the time, usually when I’m on my own, I start frowning again. Being an optimist is becoming more of a facade to me, than a personality or characteristic. I now worry about the simplest things: I need to regain my teachers’ trust (although I doubt if that would ever happen), I need to make new friends in order to learn more, and I am actually thinking about my future. I have always thought about my future, but now, I see it clearer than ever, and I’m quite happy about it. What’s stressing me is HOW to be what I envision to be. I am at a loss on what steps to take in order to become the career woman that I always knew I would be.

Then there’s the need to establish trust in my teachers. My new set of teachers now are the sweetest and most understanding and compassionate people I have ever met. But I need them to see me more than that. I need to be like what I was before. I need the grades. I need them to believe that I am more than what I have done in my past program. I need to be better. But in my current class, how can I be better when just making myself stand out is already so different? I feel that this particular professor does not approve of me much. Plus, she knows my other classmates and it is both our first time talking to each other. What scares the hell out of me is that I heard she gives quite low grades, and at the moment, I don’t like my class standing. I swore to myself and to my parents that I will ace this program. I have to have decent grades for my majors. I NEED TO RECEIVE LATIN HONORS BY GRADUATION.

Well, I guess I have to stop ranting now. People might read this.

In the past few months, I kept encountering small problems that, once turned into unforgettable memories, are becomes food for my pessimism. My optimism is tired out. The many years of sarcasm, irony, sassiness, bitterness and sadness that I have all kept inside are about to burst. I just have so many things on my mind at the moment. I think it’s time to let it all out.

WELCOME NEGATIVITY.

I think it’s also time to wallow in self-pity in order to assess myself. It’s not a healthy method, but this is what works for me. It is only I who can degrade myself and no one else.

At the moment:

I don’t want to socialize with people, that also means meeting anyone new and going online to just chat with people.

I don’t want to eat anything. It’s true that another reason for this is because I have gained weight but I guess it’s just better to degrade yourself than eat. Eating is something comforting, and comforting makes you feel good, thus boosting my optimism.

I would prefer to just be in my own world. In line with degrading myself, I prefer going and doing my 500% stress-free world. In there, I feel on top of the world. It’s a twisted feeling, I know. I need to degrade myself, and at the same time, I escape for happiness in my own world.

I just want to CRITICIZE everyone that comes my way. From fashion to facial hair to hair length to shoe size.. everything! I just want to be angry with other people since it has been a VERY LONG time since I exploded.

I miss exploding.

Being optimistic requires you to have some sense of hope, and I just don’t have it at the moment. I’m feeling really low right now, and I’m treasuring it.

I guess I really need to put my being the happy-go-lucky on hold, and just be my true pessimist self. 😐

Hopefully, i can go back into the world of acting. 😐

Saying NO.

Saying no.

one of the things that I do not like doing is to say NO. especially when it comes to people’s emotions.

I just can’t simply hurt a person, especially when a bond is already established. That’s why there are just times when I just say ‘okay’ to every request, as long as I can do it.

This afternoon, I had the unlucky opportunity to say ‘no’ to a friend. He was anticipating something that I cannot give. My friend was right, he misinterpreted everything I did (I tend to be favorable to friends than anyone else). I just thought that he was smarter than that. He told me years ago that he wasn’t expecting anything, and I held on to that; knowing how he felt about me, plus the promise of not expecting anything, I felt that it was ok to be friends with him. But apparently, he seems to have forgotten what he promised to me before (oh boy). He started doing things that are beyond normal, and for some reason, uncomfortable for me. I don’t need to be pampered. I do not have to decide on everything that you do. I may be a princess, but I’m also a warrior. I’m not some hopeless damsel in distress that needs constant affection. I’m not an attention-seeker. It really sucks to learn that you are misunderstood when the person who misunderstood you is supposed to be an expert on personality. 😐

Anyway, before my rant goes on, at the time when I had to say no, I wished that I had some crash course on saying no. I wish that my parents taught me how to say it with a straight face. I found this nifty website on how to say no, so I’ll just be copying-and-paste it here. It’s pretty general and it does not involve emotions, but I love the tips below.

taken from: Say No To Others Without Offending Them

Sometimes, situations arise where you have to politely decline a person’s offer. This can be difficult, especially when you care about the other person. Here’s how to deal with the situation politely and easily.

  1. Just say “I’m sorry. I’m swamped with homework due tomorrow.” They’ll hopefully understand. Keep in mind; lying is not the best way out unless it is a very dangerous situation.
  2. Firmly say “no” while politely smiling at the other person.
  3. Say no but try to suggest some other place you would rather go / some other thing you would rather do.
  4. Just simply say ” No thank you.”
  5. Reschedule for some other day.
  6. Tell them for “personal reasons”
  7. Say no then walk away or cross your arms. Though use this as a last resort i.e. if the one asking keeps insisting and doesn’t take the hint that you are not interested.
  8. Ask the person why they want you to come along. Sometimes knowing the reason behind why they are asking/insisting may make you change your mind.
Tips:
  • Know that person’s personality so that you can pick your excuse properly.
  • When on your own think up excuses that you could use if and when such situations arise. Tried and tested excuses like – “I’m sorry but I promised Mom I’d do some household chores today” or ” I have to baby-sit my little brother / sister today so I wont be able to make it” – have been known to work well.
Warnings:
  • Watch your body language! If you’re making an excuse, your body language may be revealing.
  • It’s best not to blatantly lie because being found out can be quite embarrassing for you and offending to the other person.
  • Extremely persistent people can make you lose your cool. So stay calm and keep hinting that you are not interested.
Things You’ll Need:
  • Courage
  • A polite smile
  • A few fool-proof excuses
  • A good memory to remember your lies/excuses
so there you have it. like I said, it’s pretty general but it can be a start. aren’t the “things you need” and “warnings” also helpful? hahaha.
Just sharing: I don’t think my method of saying went well. But oh well, sometimes, you just have to be fierce in order to get the message to the other person. However, I hope that this would never happen again. 😐

love songs and love stories. || Panic at the Disco – Always

honestly, it has been sometime before i shed a tear about love. i watch and read a lot of love stories in the past few months of being single, but it’s only now that i felt lonely (for a short while).

The combination of Kimi wa Pet chapter 26 and Panic at the Disco‘s Always and The Calendar is bound to recall all my insecurities. What I love about this manga is that the female lead character is my ideal self. Although she lacks social skills and some honesty in herself, I am no different from her. She finds satisfaction in a guy she adopted as a ‘pet’, and this guy practically takes care of her emotionally and psychologically (not that she’s psychologically disturbed) while she takes care of him with regards to physiological needs. I can’t help but think that I mind end up being like her. I MIGHT END UP LOVING SOMEONE UNEXPECTED.

and it scares me. I don’t do random and spontaneous. I do schedules and planning and calculation. I don’t deal with unexpected because i do my best to see every fault that might happen. 

When the world gets too heavy,
Put it on my back
I’ll be your levy
You are taking me apart
Like bad glue on a get well card

It was always you falling for me
Now there’s always time calling for me
I’m the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know

I’m a fly that’s trapped in a web
But I’m thinking that, my spiders dead
Lonely, lonely little life
I could kid myself in thinking that I’m fine

It was always you falling for me
Now there’s always time calling for me
I’m the light blinking at the end of the road

Blink back to let me know

That I’m skin and bone
Just a king and rusty throne
Oh the castle’s under siege,
But the sign outside says “leave me alone”

It was always you falling for me
Now there’s always time calling for me
I’m the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know

It was always you
Blink back to let me know
It was always you